To Wean or Not To Wean

 

I have been thinking about weaning Lochlan for a couple of months now; he is going to be two on March 21st. I was determined to breastfeed for at least one year, two if possible, and like most Mom's I was very tired at a year but not quite ready to quit. I also believed he was still in need of it along with it being comforting and helpful; so I kept going and every six weeks I would reevaluate and see. Now he is 23 months old and I am realizing that as beneficial it is for him it's not benefiting me as much these days. I am very fatigued all the time. I run at about 20-30% on a regular basis. I think this is a result of a couple of things: One - Lochlan has never slept through the night. He slept for eight hours, once, but usually he wakes to feed every 2-4 hours. Two - My body is very petite and I have an extremely fast metabolism. I don't think it is doing a good job keeping up with sustaining a toddler that has a HIGH demand for breastmilk. He would nurse ALL day if I would let him. In fact, he is nursing right now!

I have been trying to get over my guilt. I feel very guilty about wanting to wean him. I really wanted to try to let him wean naturally (I recently wrote a post on how proud I am to nurse a toddler) and I believe in that and think it’s great if you can let that happen. But, I have to come to terms with the fact that I am run down and it's okay that I need to stop because Lochlan sure isn’t going to stop anytime soon on his own. Nursing is a relationship and it's not working for me anymore. I need to accept that. It's been months and months of me thinking about weaning him, talking about weaning him, looking into how to wean but I haven't quite had the energy to do it and there are tons of reasons not to (it's good for him...that's the biggest and best one of all). As tired as I was I could never pull the trigger.

So, I talked to my Mother today (she breastfed her children) who is a Life Coach and she did some coaching with me. She asked me what my fears were about weaning. I told her I thought his personality would change which ultimately it will whether I continue nursing him or not. I talked about him throwing temper tantrums and not being able to soothe him with milk and how that will be difficult. But, he throws tantrums now even though we do nurse and they are difficult to deal with. That's just part of being a parent to a toddler. You can not always do everything they want or give them all that they desire. After several more questions and answers we got to the root of my issues around weaning.  I realized that ultimately I feel sad that my child is growing up. I feel sad that I no longer have a baby. I don't know if I am going to have more children; his Father and I planned on having at least three kids but now his Dad is not sure if that is what he wants anymore and that is very sad to me. If I had known that this could be my only child I may have enjoyed all the little moments more but I can't live in the past. Now all I can do is be the best Mom that I can be and mourn the "loss" of my baby.

It's hard to have a child and have them grow up. It's hard to think you are going to lose that bond with them; that they are going to become their own person and be self-sufficient and not need you as much. I think it's something that a lot of Mom's don't talk about; how hard it is to have a baby turn into a toddler and a toddler turn into a child and a child turn into a teenager and a teenager turn into an adult.  A big part of being a good parent is to know when to let go and let your child find their way in the world.

I have to let go of my nursing relationship with my son because I can longer sustain it.

When I nurse him and this sounds terrible; I get the urge to throw him off of me. I would never do that but nursing him now physically causes strain in my body. My Mom brought up the fact that when dogs and cats wean they actually kick their young and that's how a lot of mammals get their babies to wean; they kick them away, push them away, physically force them off and away from their nipples which is how I feel. I feel like I need to force him off of me. So, I need to recognize that my body is telling me it's time to stop.

Lochlan loves his breastmilk and I know that it benefits him. I am thankful that I have made it this far in nursing my son but I have to listen to my own body and accept that I have done the best I can for my child. I am so proud of myself for making it this far. But now I need to let go and let him grow up. It is really hard to let go and to accept that my son is no longer a baby. However, I need to simply appreciate who he is now and who he is becoming and what our relationship has in store and all the wonderful things that it possesses at this time. I don't know what's going to happen in the future; David and I may end of up having more kids or we may not, but I have a wonderful son and I was able to have a successful nursing relationship with him. I am thankful for that and I am thankful that I have the sense to accept that my body and mind can no longer take this and that that is okay and I shouldn't be mad at myself or feel any sort of anger or regret. This is just part of the process and it's time to accept and move forward.

So, I am going to wean my son and I am sure it is going to be difficult and I am sure I will still be tired but that is what I am going to do. So, cross your fingers, wish me luck and we will see how this goes.

We MUST nurse our babies for all to see

A friend of mine recently was in a group setting with all women; as she was sitting listening and reflecting on the words being said; she is suddenly having her attention drawn away to a lady mouthing the words are you nursing? My friend politely says Yes (she has a beautiful 3 month old girl), the woman then asks her to step outside to do so............WHAT??? For this to happen in this type of setting; I was baffled. The fact the lady even asked if my friend was nursing proves she could barely tell. My friend had her daughter in a ring sling with the fabric pulled around the babies head. Totally inconspicuous. Perfectly natural and completely legal - see here ~ Nevada and Federal Breastfeeding laws

No one would ever ask a Mother to step outside with her child if she was bottle feeding. Why is that the norm and breastfeeding has become so taboo? Human beings have gone so far beyond a natural way of life; that the most beneficial source of nutrients for our child has been tainted.

We must be the examples to our children of what is natural and right for our sustainability and life.

Sustainability is the capacity to endure. For humans, sustainability is the long-term maintenance of well being, which has environmental, economic, and social dimensions, and encompasses the concept of stewardship, the responsible management of resource use.

With these thoughts already on my mind I came across this article titled Seeing Moms Breastfeed in Public Is Actually Vital for Our Future. I couldn't agree more!!!

Breastfeeding resources and links:
La Leche Leagure International
Nevada Breastfeeds
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding

Photoshoot for NV Breastfeeds 2012 Calendar

At Town Sqare

"The newborn baby has only three demands. They are warmth in the arms of the mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence. Breastfeeding satisfies all three."

He Sleeps...kinda

We are in our second week of being consistent with Lochlan's night time routine. He is no longer kicking and screaming for hours - yay!!! I am now able to nurse him, put him in his bed, give him a kiss goodnight and leave the room.  He will actually fall asleep by himself...unbelievable. He is still waking up every 2-6 hours asking for milk (he knows what's good for him) the only difference is he is staying in his room the whole night. I WILL TAKE IT. Small victories at a time. I do hope that when all his teeth come in he will sleep better. I have a feeling that much of his discomfort comes from those dang teeth pushing through his gums. Ouch!

I love going in to his room at night, as he is whimpering "Momma" at the door and being reminded of how tiny and precious he is. How he still needs me and how one day he won't. So often I look at him as being "bigger" than he is. He amazes me with his capabilities and intelligence during the day. I am surprised by how much of a baby he is at night. I think my expectations of him are more than what his 1.5 year old self can do at times. Everything in it's own time, I suppose.

He is his own person and I need to respect his needs and wants. I do, however, understand that I can not allow myself to go crazy, hahaha. Makes me laugh and smile thinking of all the Moms I know that walk around half dead from exhaustion but motivated by so much love in their heart. What a blessing it is to raise my son and be with him on a daily basis. Helping and watching him evolve and develop into a capable, intelligent, generous and loving person is such a blessing. It truly is a gift to be a Mother even on those days when you feel your child is literally torturing you. I love every part of it!

The sleepless side of parenting

Being a parent is definitely not always easy. Especially when you are trying to get a little one to sleep in their own bed after 18 months of sleeping right next to you. I have tried for months to gently wean him off the boob at night and sleep alone...it hasn't worked. So, it's time to bring in the big guns and let him cry-it-out. A tactic that I am less than thrilled about but have no other ideas on what to do. He is very unhappy with me. I HATE listening to him cry "Momma, Momma, Momma" over and over as he throws himself against the door. He cried for two hours yesterday before he fell asleep. I will go in there every 20 minutes, give him a hug and say, "Lochlan it's time to sleep. Lay your head down and close your eyes." We are on day three of this torture. Bed time does not seem to be as difficult as nap time. He does NOT want to nap. He got so mad today he threw up all over himself and his bed. The most frustrating part is there are no real answers. There are not any fool proof systems to get your child to learn to relax on their own. Every child is different. I feel so bad but I can not nurse him all night long anymore. He is getting to big to be in our bed and after almost two years of not sleeping through the night this Mom is VERY, very tired. I read that 65% of parents have struggles when it comes to sleeping. At least I am not in it alone.