Midnight ramblings

Be above the common person with a mindset into the beating heart of the mind. Today is the day for all men to see what life truly is about; loving each other and setting free the preconceived notions that we exist to prove a point or make a statement or stake a claim. WE are here to experience and unite in love and feel the power of one as we till the earth and watch the magic of laughter from children's bellies come to life. WE are one standing in the sun being united by the earth's magic vibrations that exist for us. Everyday is a magic land filled with possibilities not beyond but within our perceptions. My ability to SEE is even beyond my own knowing....

Earth Hour

Earth Hour is tonight, Saturday, March 31st from 8:30pm-9:30pm; it doesn't matter what time zone you are in. This is not an event that is supposed to cure global warming or fix the energy crisis. The sole purpose of this is to "inspire all of us to make positive environmental changes in our lives." Please take part in this if you can; it is a lot of fun to turn the lights out, even for an hour and sit, read, or even play a board game in candlelight. I love being part of an event that I know people from all over the world (130 countries) are collectively experiencing and participating in. One of the greatest gifts social media has given us is the ability to connect the human race and come together to think, discuss and solve the problems that we all are facing within our world.

Bath time is fun

Today was a little bit of a rough day at our house. I had a stomach bug. Lochlan spent most of the day keeping himself busy. Luckily he loves to color and draw so that keeps him happily busy for hours. I rested on the couch as he drew; he would periodically come over and have me read him a story. We had minimal tantrums which is nice on any day but especially when Mommy is down and out.

Chalkboard paint is the best!

Even though I wasn't feeling well this little boy brought so much cheer to my night. I love him! 

signing I love you

Smoothie Pops

Smoothie popsicles are wonderful to give your toddler when they are teething or in need of a healthy snack on a hot day. Whenever I make a smoothie I always make a little extra to freeze in my popsicle molds.  Lochlan LOVES them! I never buy popsicles because homemade ones are cheap and healthy!! What gets better than that?

Teething is not fun at all

Easy Recipe: (I use organic ingredients when possible)

Handful of strawberries and blueberries
one banana
handful of peaches
1 C yogurt (I use vanilla)
1 C juice  (I usually use pomegranate, orange or apple)
handful of kale or spinach

add all into a blender and blend. You can add water or ice to alter the consistency to your liking.

Drink, enjoy and freeze some for later!

To Wean or Not To Wean

 

I have been thinking about weaning Lochlan for a couple of months now; he is going to be two on March 21st. I was determined to breastfeed for at least one year, two if possible, and like most Mom's I was very tired at a year but not quite ready to quit. I also believed he was still in need of it along with it being comforting and helpful; so I kept going and every six weeks I would reevaluate and see. Now he is 23 months old and I am realizing that as beneficial it is for him it's not benefiting me as much these days. I am very fatigued all the time. I run at about 20-30% on a regular basis. I think this is a result of a couple of things: One - Lochlan has never slept through the night. He slept for eight hours, once, but usually he wakes to feed every 2-4 hours. Two - My body is very petite and I have an extremely fast metabolism. I don't think it is doing a good job keeping up with sustaining a toddler that has a HIGH demand for breastmilk. He would nurse ALL day if I would let him. In fact, he is nursing right now!

I have been trying to get over my guilt. I feel very guilty about wanting to wean him. I really wanted to try to let him wean naturally (I recently wrote a post on how proud I am to nurse a toddler) and I believe in that and think it’s great if you can let that happen. But, I have to come to terms with the fact that I am run down and it's okay that I need to stop because Lochlan sure isn’t going to stop anytime soon on his own. Nursing is a relationship and it's not working for me anymore. I need to accept that. It's been months and months of me thinking about weaning him, talking about weaning him, looking into how to wean but I haven't quite had the energy to do it and there are tons of reasons not to (it's good for him...that's the biggest and best one of all). As tired as I was I could never pull the trigger.

So, I talked to my Mother today (she breastfed her children) who is a Life Coach and she did some coaching with me. She asked me what my fears were about weaning. I told her I thought his personality would change which ultimately it will whether I continue nursing him or not. I talked about him throwing temper tantrums and not being able to soothe him with milk and how that will be difficult. But, he throws tantrums now even though we do nurse and they are difficult to deal with. That's just part of being a parent to a toddler. You can not always do everything they want or give them all that they desire. After several more questions and answers we got to the root of my issues around weaning.  I realized that ultimately I feel sad that my child is growing up. I feel sad that I no longer have a baby. I don't know if I am going to have more children; his Father and I planned on having at least three kids but now his Dad is not sure if that is what he wants anymore and that is very sad to me. If I had known that this could be my only child I may have enjoyed all the little moments more but I can't live in the past. Now all I can do is be the best Mom that I can be and mourn the "loss" of my baby.

It's hard to have a child and have them grow up. It's hard to think you are going to lose that bond with them; that they are going to become their own person and be self-sufficient and not need you as much. I think it's something that a lot of Mom's don't talk about; how hard it is to have a baby turn into a toddler and a toddler turn into a child and a child turn into a teenager and a teenager turn into an adult.  A big part of being a good parent is to know when to let go and let your child find their way in the world.

I have to let go of my nursing relationship with my son because I can longer sustain it.

When I nurse him and this sounds terrible; I get the urge to throw him off of me. I would never do that but nursing him now physically causes strain in my body. My Mom brought up the fact that when dogs and cats wean they actually kick their young and that's how a lot of mammals get their babies to wean; they kick them away, push them away, physically force them off and away from their nipples which is how I feel. I feel like I need to force him off of me. So, I need to recognize that my body is telling me it's time to stop.

Lochlan loves his breastmilk and I know that it benefits him. I am thankful that I have made it this far in nursing my son but I have to listen to my own body and accept that I have done the best I can for my child. I am so proud of myself for making it this far. But now I need to let go and let him grow up. It is really hard to let go and to accept that my son is no longer a baby. However, I need to simply appreciate who he is now and who he is becoming and what our relationship has in store and all the wonderful things that it possesses at this time. I don't know what's going to happen in the future; David and I may end of up having more kids or we may not, but I have a wonderful son and I was able to have a successful nursing relationship with him. I am thankful for that and I am thankful that I have the sense to accept that my body and mind can no longer take this and that that is okay and I shouldn't be mad at myself or feel any sort of anger or regret. This is just part of the process and it's time to accept and move forward.

So, I am going to wean my son and I am sure it is going to be difficult and I am sure I will still be tired but that is what I am going to do. So, cross your fingers, wish me luck and we will see how this goes.

Ombre

Being a natural redhead it is almost taboo to dye your hair. When I was in middle school I went blonde for a year but ultimately let my hair grow back in. My parents would never let me do anything to crazy because of the red so instead they bought me wigs and I wore those. I always wanted to put pink and purple in but never had the nerve to
So It's has been fifteen years since I have put any color in my hair and still no pink or purple. Then I turned 27 and that was the first birthday I thought, I am an adult. I have almost a two year old. Holy crap! Then I started thinking about all those projects, skills, things I have wanted to do over the years and always pushed off to another day, a later date; then realizing it IS that later date. I am getting older. By no means do I think I am "old" or am upset about aging, but that I have let so many things get away from me or hold me back from doing what I want.
For instance, my hair. I have never had the nerve to actually color it a fun, funky color. Why not? Who cares anyway. It's just hair. It grows and I can chop it off or alter it again. So I did it! I allowed myself to live in the moment and have a little fun and not take myself so seriously.

Costume Time

To play a part is fun, fun, fun!! I LOVE dressing up. I always have. Halloween was big in my house growing up and that has carried into my adult life. I like to dress as women or characters that have red hair. It's nice to be able to incorporate my natural uniqueness," if you will. I have been Peg Bundy, The Little Mermaid, and an all time favorite and contest winner, Jessica Rabbit....so to carry on my tradition this year, for the first time in my life, which was actually hard for me to believe, I dressed as....

PIPPI LONGSTOCKING

The past two years we have gone to David's parents house for Halloween. They set up a table in the garage and put out festive decorations; we hand out candy and eat dinner while enjoying the trick-or-treaters or Customers, as Tanner, my 8 year old nephew, likes to say.

Here are some photos from the night, enjoy...

Lochlan hanging out with Grandpa Gene and Uncle Tristan

David's sister Jen peaking in the background

Grandma Diana, or "Monga" as my niece Everly named her, helping Lochlan out

Tanner, the Fly and me - check out Grandpa Gene's decorations!!

Loch was a candy beggar; he did not get to eat any though...next year, maybe

Elmo helped out

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!

Yummy...Blueberry Crumb Muffins

These are so yummy and delicious!!!

Here's how:

Muffins
1 1/3 C Flour (I use whole wheat)
1/3 C Sugar
1/3 C Brown Sugar
1/2 tsp Salt
2 1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1/3 C Vegetable oil
2 eggs (beaten)
1/2 C Milk
1 1/2 C Blueberries (fresh or frozen)

Topping
1/3 C Flour
1/4 C Oats
1/4 C Butter (softened)
1 tsp Cinnamon
1/3 C Brown Sugar

Mix: flour, sugars, salt and baking powder in medium size bowl
Stir in: oil, eggs and milk
Fold in: blueberries

Mix the topping in separate bowl with hand till it is a crumb type texture. 

Preheat over to 375

You can either insert baking cups in muffin pan or use grease. Fill individual cups till they are almost full; then put the crumb mixture on top.

Cook 20-30 minutes.
Let cool 5 minutes and enjoy!!!

We MUST nurse our babies for all to see

A friend of mine recently was in a group setting with all women; as she was sitting listening and reflecting on the words being said; she is suddenly having her attention drawn away to a lady mouthing the words are you nursing? My friend politely says Yes (she has a beautiful 3 month old girl), the woman then asks her to step outside to do so............WHAT??? For this to happen in this type of setting; I was baffled. The fact the lady even asked if my friend was nursing proves she could barely tell. My friend had her daughter in a ring sling with the fabric pulled around the babies head. Totally inconspicuous. Perfectly natural and completely legal - see here ~ Nevada and Federal Breastfeeding laws

No one would ever ask a Mother to step outside with her child if she was bottle feeding. Why is that the norm and breastfeeding has become so taboo? Human beings have gone so far beyond a natural way of life; that the most beneficial source of nutrients for our child has been tainted.

We must be the examples to our children of what is natural and right for our sustainability and life.

Sustainability is the capacity to endure. For humans, sustainability is the long-term maintenance of well being, which has environmental, economic, and social dimensions, and encompasses the concept of stewardship, the responsible management of resource use.

With these thoughts already on my mind I came across this article titled Seeing Moms Breastfeed in Public Is Actually Vital for Our Future. I couldn't agree more!!!

Breastfeeding resources and links:
La Leche Leagure International
Nevada Breastfeeds
The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding

Photoshoot for NV Breastfeeds 2012 Calendar

At Town Sqare

"The newborn baby has only three demands. They are warmth in the arms of the mother, food from her breasts, and security in the knowledge of her presence. Breastfeeding satisfies all three."

My little painter

I was painting the other day and Lochlan decided he would like to help out. I love that he wants to do all the activities that I do. He really enjoys painting. It makes me VERY happy!!!

I love how he holds the brush like a pro

He melts my heart with happiness

He Sleeps...kinda

We are in our second week of being consistent with Lochlan's night time routine. He is no longer kicking and screaming for hours - yay!!! I am now able to nurse him, put him in his bed, give him a kiss goodnight and leave the room.  He will actually fall asleep by himself...unbelievable. He is still waking up every 2-6 hours asking for milk (he knows what's good for him) the only difference is he is staying in his room the whole night. I WILL TAKE IT. Small victories at a time. I do hope that when all his teeth come in he will sleep better. I have a feeling that much of his discomfort comes from those dang teeth pushing through his gums. Ouch!

I love going in to his room at night, as he is whimpering "Momma" at the door and being reminded of how tiny and precious he is. How he still needs me and how one day he won't. So often I look at him as being "bigger" than he is. He amazes me with his capabilities and intelligence during the day. I am surprised by how much of a baby he is at night. I think my expectations of him are more than what his 1.5 year old self can do at times. Everything in it's own time, I suppose.

He is his own person and I need to respect his needs and wants. I do, however, understand that I can not allow myself to go crazy, hahaha. Makes me laugh and smile thinking of all the Moms I know that walk around half dead from exhaustion but motivated by so much love in their heart. What a blessing it is to raise my son and be with him on a daily basis. Helping and watching him evolve and develop into a capable, intelligent, generous and loving person is such a blessing. It truly is a gift to be a Mother even on those days when you feel your child is literally torturing you. I love every part of it!

The sleepless side of parenting

Being a parent is definitely not always easy. Especially when you are trying to get a little one to sleep in their own bed after 18 months of sleeping right next to you. I have tried for months to gently wean him off the boob at night and sleep alone...it hasn't worked. So, it's time to bring in the big guns and let him cry-it-out. A tactic that I am less than thrilled about but have no other ideas on what to do. He is very unhappy with me. I HATE listening to him cry "Momma, Momma, Momma" over and over as he throws himself against the door. He cried for two hours yesterday before he fell asleep. I will go in there every 20 minutes, give him a hug and say, "Lochlan it's time to sleep. Lay your head down and close your eyes." We are on day three of this torture. Bed time does not seem to be as difficult as nap time. He does NOT want to nap. He got so mad today he threw up all over himself and his bed. The most frustrating part is there are no real answers. There are not any fool proof systems to get your child to learn to relax on their own. Every child is different. I feel so bad but I can not nurse him all night long anymore. He is getting to big to be in our bed and after almost two years of not sleeping through the night this Mom is VERY, very tired. I read that 65% of parents have struggles when it comes to sleeping. At least I am not in it alone.

new Landscape

Acrylic 6" x 12"

Now that the weather's nice...

We have been going outside these past few days...before dark. It's a miracle!!!

You would think that since I live in the Desert I should be able to go outside when it's hot, but that is not the case. I faint pretty easy. It is terrible. I get so light headed and weak. Totally lame. I hate it. I last 45 minutes tops when it's over 95.

We have been going to the parks near our house during the day. Lochlan, like most children, lights up when he is outdoors. Kids are made to run around and explore and he is no different than the rest. I love watching him go from one "adventure" to the next. Every detail leads to new discoveries. There are so many possibilities through his new eyes. Everything is of wonder. One of his favorite activities is to swing...something we have in common!

That smile melts my heart

Signing "more tickles" as he swings

Today we went to Spring Valley Community Park. It was a lot of fun. It has a large "Splash Pad", two play grounds, two- fairly large open grassy fields, enclosed dog parks for large and small breeds, and public restrooms.

My Hummingbird

My arm will never look this way again

After a three hour session

SESSION 2

This is after another three hours

Another two hours to go and she will be done!  

 

Brandon "Spider" Lombardi - Massive Tattoo, Las Vegas, NV

New Painting

For my friend Melissa's nursery

Beating Hearts

Beating hearts, thirsty minds can this be the end of time?

I’m young, I think.

Choices

Time

The old have seen

My jealousy ripping through my already tattered jeans.

Beating hearts

Thirsty minds.

Revolutions to come

Not in my time

The need for change

Is here today

I am the change

My mind beats to the ticking clock

Nice rock, I see upon your hand

Where is your man?

Your staple choice

My life is this

I am the most to come

The past has come

So far, so long

Tears flowing down my face

This time around feels like the last

My spirit’s past

I am today

The sun, the sky

The trees are dying

The earth still crying

And I sit in my chair

To write

Put up a fight

Hold arms and dance

Make the pressure seem like a romance

A stand we take

Our earth can’t wait

My mind a game

Soaring thoughts of other’s life

Who’s you

Me, no

Testing life

Time, a beat

I think I’ll go climb that tree

Stand strong in the branches

Love I feel

Father dear you love me still?

Mother is sick again.

A beat of time

A change

A dance

Make life a romance

The pressures on

We are losing our Youth

Lochlan's Birth Story

         On March 20, 2011 around 10:30pm I had a contraction. Having multiple contractions in the previous weeks and nothing progressing, as it felt, when it came I pleaded to my body, “Keep it coming.” I had prayed several times that day that my son would be born on March 21^st, a special day because my little sister Emma was born on that day. And then around 11:30, 12:30, and 1:30 more contractions came.

         David, my boyfriend and Loch's Father, came home around 1:30am from work and I told him I had been having contractions about every hour for the past few hours. He said, “What can we do to keep them coming? I’m ready for our son to be here!!” I told him to do some reflexology on my feet, which he did for a little under an hour. At 2:00am I had another contraction that was much stronger than the previous ones.

         A little while later I called my Doula, Naomi O’ Callaghan to let her know I was having contractions about every twenty minutes. She told me to take a shower or bath, drink a glass of wine and try to get some sleep because if it was time for him to come I would need as much energy as I could get. I got off the phone with her and immediately had an intense contraction. David went and got me a glass of wine that I tried to drink. I could not drink it and ended up throwing up the wine, it was gross. Then I tried to sleep.

         I was so excited and the contractions kept    coming every 10 minutes, then every 7 minutes and then they got down to every 5 minutes. I had to have David call Naomi to let her know because I could no longer talk through them. I asked Jen, David’s sister who is in nursing school to check how dilated I was. She was a little nervous about it because she had never checked a “real” person before but she did it anyway with the help of Naomi who was on the phone. At that point Jen thought I was three or four inches dilated. David told Naomi and she decided it was a good time to come over. I got in the shower to relax. After my shower I continued laboring in my bedroom.

         Naomi showed up at the house around 7:30am. She came into our room and I immediately felt more relaxed and excited knowing my son was on his way. She told me her apprentice Stephanie was sick and would not be coming but asked if her other apprentice Sheree could come. I told her of course. The contractions kept coming on stronger and stronger and the best way for me to relax through them was on my hands and knees spiraling my hips or standing up with Naomi doing hip compression (these made the pain decrease by about 70% it was amazing). After each contraction I allowed myself to relax and enjoy my down time. I thought about the journey my son was taking and reminded myself he needed me to be strong and brave.

         At one point we all went on a walk around the block to help my labor progress. We passed by a man that was watering his lawn. I had to stop due to a contraction and you could tell he had no idea what was going on. I remember the look on his face…shock and awe. Made me laugh. When we got back to the house Naomi checked me and I was at a 4. She said if I wanted to get the most use out of the birthing tub we should head to the hospital.

         We arrived at the hospital around 10am. I walked in alone while David parked the car and Naomi got her supplies. I was going through the doors when a contraction stopped me in my tracks. A nurse rushed over to me and yelled for someone to get a wheel chair. I told her I was fine and she insisted. I said, “No, I prefer to walk.” She looked at me and said, “You’re a warrior woman I can respect that.”That's exactly right, I thought to myself.

         I went up to the labor and delivery floor where they checked me in to a triage room to monitor the baby and check my dilation. The nurse had me put on those awful papery hospital gowns and into a cold bed. I immediately felt nervous and uncomfortable.  It was not a welcoming or comforting environment.  A nurse came in and started asking me all sorts of questions, which was very confusing. I was in labor mode and anyone who has been in labor knows your brain does not work the same as in your “normal” state. The nurse checked my dilation and said she could not feel the head of the baby so she ordered for me to have an ultrasound. 
        Before they did the ultrasound they informed me that my Dr. was out of town and so the on-call Dr. would be doing my delivery and she was not comfortable with water births. I felt so much disappointment at that point I could barely breathe. Then the ultrasound technician came in and discovered the baby was a frank breech, another rush of panic. She immediately said, “Your baby is breech I’m going to order an epidural for your caesarean.” I lost my breath and felt tears swelling in my eyes. I had such a healthy pregnancy and he was turned down the whole time. I could not get my head wrapped around this. I asked her to wait a minute. Then the on-call Dr. came in and said she would be doing the surgery. She then said, “We need to get your epidural going.” I again asked her to wait and she said, “For what?” I responded, “To get my head wrapped around this. I need to think.” She said, “Your baby is breech do you know what that means?” David and I looked at each other, aggravated that she felt the need to talk to us like we were uninformed parents. He asked me what I wanted to do. I asked him to get Naomi so I could talk to her. I did not want to have a cesarean but was not sure what my options would be. I asked the Dr. if I could get up and move around and try to adjust him myself and she said no I had to stay in the bed.

         When Naomi came in I was crying. I could barely think through the contractions and being in the bed was making them so much worse. The nurse had been standing there staring at me, obviously wanting me to get a move on it. David asked Naomi what my options were and told her we did not want to have a c-section. She saw that I was very upset and started calling Dr.’s to see if any of them would do a breech delivery at the hospital, none would.

         I wanted to run away. I did not want to be at the hospital anymore. I had the strongest urge to get the hell out of there. I felt like if I stayed there my child and I would be in danger. She then started calling midwives to see if any of them were available that had experience in breech deliveries. She finally was able to get in touch with one, Marvy, who had actually delivered Naomi’s last child.

         Naomi informed Marvy of the situation and asked her if she felt comfortable and confident in delivering a frank breech. She said yes but wanted to talk to us about the risks. David spoke with her and got all the pros and cons. After weighing them I decided I wanted to leave the hospital and deliver at home. We informed Marvy that we were broke and would not be able to pay her right away and she said, “The most important thing is that this baby is born into the world with love and care.” David and I could not have agreed more. .

         I told the nurse I was leaving and immediately asked to get unhooked from the machines. I had to sign an AMA form (against medical advice) to leave. As we were walking out you could have heard a pin hit the floor. The nursing staff was in shock that I was leaving the hospital. I felt so confidant everything was going to be okay with the delivery. I knew it was a “risk” but I felt in my heart it was the right decision, even if it was against medical advice. As I was walking to the car I had another very strong contraction a nurse that was on break ran up to me and asked if I needed a wheelchair. I said, “No thank you I’m going home.” I will never forget the look on her face. It was priceless, one of complete confusion and disdain.

          On the way home David called his parents, Gene and Diana and told them that we were coming home to deliver there and that we were going to set up the tub outside. Once we got home everything after that became a blur because I was in active labor but what I remember is we arrived at the house and I immediately went outside and laid over a chair to labor while waiting for the midwife. David’s parents and sister were helping David and Naomi move the outside furniture for the tub and getting towels handy. I had a few contractions and all of a sudden the midwife was there along with her assistant. I was so happy when she showed up because I knew the baby could come now. Even though I had never met Marvy she had a relaxing, soothing and nurturing energy about her. I knew the baby and I were in good hands. A moment later another midwife showed up, Kim Trower, to be of assistance to Marvy. I had five women there to help me deliver my son. Incredible.

         The tub was taking a long time to fill up so I asked if I could labor in the Jacuzzi. David came in with me. It was so intimate and loving having him behind me, holding my hips and rubbing my back. While we were in the Jacuzzi the doorbell rang and it was a police officer. The officer said there was a noise complaint and asked if “People were F!@&ing in the back yard?” He informed Gene that the neighbors called and said they thought a porno was being shot because a naked man and women were in a Jacuzzi while people were filming. David’s Dad informed him that it was not a porno that it was in fact a woman in labor. The police officer did not believe Gene so Gene said he could see it for himself.  In the middle of a contraction I look up and there is the cop standing there. We made eye contact and he looked a little scared. I smiled at him not quite sure what was going on and went back to laboring. A couple minutes later my water broke and I felt the baby drop. I had to get out of the Jacuzzi because it was not a sterile environment. 
The tub was not ready and the midwife asked what I wanted to do. I said I wanted to be in water. I was scared it would hurt more if I were not. I suggested the master bath and they decided to get it ready for me. In between contractions I got out of the hot tub and rushed upstairs. When I got up there I threw my body over Gene and Diana’s bed because the tub was not ready and I was having a very intense contraction. I had a few more and then the babies’ feet came out.

         At that point they realized the baby was not frank breech but in fact footling breech which is a much more complicated type of delivery. David said the midwives and Doula’s looked a little worried at that point. They asked me to get into the tub and might I say walking with feet hanging out of you is a little bizarre. As soon as I got in the tub the baby kept coming faster and faster and the pain kicked in full force. I started pushing as hard as I could with each contraction and with each push I felt my energy level deplete. At one point I could no longer feel contractions and it did not seem like I was getting anywhere. I kept looking down and could see his legs hanging out of me but nothing else.

         Naomi kept telling me to push, push, push, which I was but he was stuck. I could feel a slight fear set into the room. Apparently, he had an arm caught by his neck and his cord had collapsed which meant he was no longer getting oxygen. All the midwives were doing what they could while I pushed to help him come out but nothing was working.

         After a couple minutes Marvy asked me to get me out of the tub. She asked me to lie on my back on the floor. I pulled my legs to my chest and with every ounce of energy in my body I gave one more push and she twisted the baby and he came out. He was very grey. He was not breathing on his own and they immediately began an Ambu bag.

         At that point I thought to myself, what the hell did I do? I killed my baby. I am so selfish I should have had a c-section. Fear and doubt set in. I was scared but I knew I had to be there for him. I could not give up now. He was lying next to me looking so helpless. I held his tiny little hand and started talking to him. I told him how much I loved him and wanted him to be here. I told him I knew he had just had a hard time but that everything was going to be okay. Mommy was here now. I was afraid. He did have a heart beat the whole time, which is one thing that kept me calm.

         At about five minutes his color had gone from grey to pink. I looked up at David and he had tears in his eyes. I wanted to reach up and kiss him and hug him but I knew I had to stay in the moment with the baby. After about 10 minutes he started taking breaths. At 12 minutes he was breathing on his own. I immediately felt overwhelmed with love, relaxed and relieved. The air in the room got lighter and people started laughing and smiling. I loved this little boy more than any other person before and was beyond proud of him for being so strong and brave.

          Lochlan Eugene Johngrass was born on March 21^st at 1:25pm on the bathroom floor in his Grandparents’ bedroom with the assistance of 2 Doula’s, 3 Midwives and the love of an entire family standing by. He weighed 6lbs and 8oz. A true miracle birth. 

A New Day

Sometimes I feel as if I have lost my old self. The girl that was free of care and lived life on the edge. The girl that was a performer and went out dancing. I find myself so caught up in worries and my own child's life that I forget to take time and enjoy my life. I feel guilty wishing for more. More fun, more energy, more creativity, more sleep...more time.

Everyday brings on new challenges when you are a Mother. New concepts of love and living "right." I have to remind myself that sometimes you can be to careful. Sometimes you need to simply be and exist and let your child roam free and all else will fall in to place.

As of right now my past dreams are on hold and new ones are coming to light. My son is my number one task at hand. Creating a strong foundation for him to thrive from is my strongest goal at the moment. There are times that I feel I am failing. There are moments that I feel I am losing myself and my mind. In those moments I look at him and see the smile and joy on his face, the strength in his heart and mind and I look in the mirror and say, "Job well done." I know I am on the right path.  A path I chose.  A path of love.

The new beginning. The never ending trial between what I feel to be true and what really exists. I am the never ending story of fantasy verses reality. The underdog. I pretend to be strong and in control but I run and hide and glide on the reality that other people are fuller of shit than me. I live. I learn. I know what is right in each moment of my life. I think I understand the reality of the masses but question its importance and need. I find myself more attracted to those that go with me on the roller coaster  and don’t need an answer to all that which signifies nothing.

Once I was a little girl that thought she knew the way of the world. So I glided and drugged and laughed at what they told me to be funny and I was wrong. I had no idea what truth verses dreams persisted of. I lived and loved in a world of fantasy and found my heart lost in between.